I'm wasn't sure if I should post or not. I know a few of you are reading the things I write, and I'm constantly worried about alienating you all. But it's my journal right? And I should write about what I feel. So that's what I'm going to do.

I saw "This Is It" for the second time today. I thought I would share some thoughts . . .

( This letter to Michael may contain spoilers for the film. )

I do have some pictures of the first time I went. Taken by the lovely bakanekosama, but I wasn't sure whether or not to post them. If you're okay with it, bb, I will. I think the pictures are great. Thanks for sending them to me. And for being a great friend and for getting together with my mother and I to go see MJ. *hugs*

Hello my lovely f-list. This is a rant post. It's bullet-pointed for your convenience if you're interested in reading. I just needed to let it out Possible spoilers for SGU and Sanctuary. Though it may seem like I don't like these two shows, I actually do. Which is why certain changes or directions they're taking are making me rant-a-rific. :)

( Cut for the GRR-ness of the rants )

PHEW!  I feel better.  Don't read too much into this, guys.  I was just feeling kinda grr and needed to release it.  *hugs you all*

The last few weeks have been really really hard for me, as many of you know.  I had been struggling with the death of Michael Jackson when I lost my beloved uncle (a much more painful loss to bear).  It's still very difficult, dealing with all the emotions I've been feeling.  And tonight's VMAs were sad on many levels but also enlightening, thanks to an incredibly moving and thoughtful speech by Madonna.  It was also touching by way of Janet Jackson's performance of "Scream" where she was able to, one last time, dance with her brother.  The hardest part was the "This Is It" trailer.  I have provided clips for all of these below.  Starting with the trailer.  The fulfillment of MJ's dream at the time of his death.


Please watch this in HQ and fullscreen if you can; It's incredible.

I smiled as I watched this . . . until the very end.  I just broke down.  I just couldn't belive that he never got the chance to do it live.  I couldn't believe that this vibrant, vital man would die just days after this footage was shot.

Oh Michael!  I wish so much that you had gotten the opportunity to show this to all of us personally. To prove all those people wrong. I don't care what anyone says, you look great here. You sound great. You would have given us all a show to stop the world. I hope that now people will be able to see the real you. Finally. And I hope, beyond hope, that I can get tickets. I know that watching it will be hard, but I want to see your dream realized.

( Also at the VMAs: Madonna's speech about MJ and Janet's tribute. Both were really touching. )

Today would have been your 51st birthday, Michael. I hope you can see all the love you're getting from where you are. Don't forget to come and party with me later kay? We'll be celebrating you today. Hopefully there will be cake! :) And even while I still mourn your passing, your music and life have been getting me through my latest, and most devastating, personal tragedy. Even in death your generous sprit shines through and you give of yourself again. For me. Thank you.

As I remember Michael, I am watching President Obama speak about the life and work of Senator Edward Kennedy. Thank you, Senator, for your years of service to our country. Thank you for never forgetting the people and their needs. For treating everyone with dignity and respect.

And, at the same time, I cannot help but remember the funeral I attended yesterday. For my dear uncle. I'll have a more detailed post later about this (maybe) so I won't say much. Just that it hurt. And I'm glad it's over. But I was so pleased to see the number of people there to celebrate him. It was humbling. I pray that now, maybe, we can begin to heal. Thank you all, again, for your love and support.

My Uncle Jerry, really the only father I have ever had (apart from my other uncles), died today.

As I was answering the replies to my last post I got a phone call from my cousin.  She told me that she was coming to get me to bring me back up to the hospital.  In the car she told me that my uncle's condition had not improved.  There was no significant brain activity and the only thing keeping him alive were the machines and the drugs.  Even with significant doses of blood pressure meds, his BP was pretty low.

The Dr. addressed us as a group and told us the situation as she (and the neurologist) saw it.  They believed that even if his vitals were to stabilize enough to be taken off of medication, he would be in a vegetative state because of the amount of time his brain was without oxygen.  The lack of oxygen was also causing he organs to fail.  The decision had to be made.  We determined that there's no way he would want to live in that state.  So we said our goodbyes,  Mom and I went in first and I told him everything I needed to.  I told him how much I loved him, how glad I was that I told him that every time we parted (and how glad I was that he said it back).  I told him how angry his stubborn conservative views made me.  How mad I got at him for lecturing me about being a liberal.  But how much I loved him despite that.  And I told him that he was the only real father I had ever had . . .

A friend of the family (he grew up with my mother and her siblings) led us in a prayer at his bedside and then it was time to let him go.  My mother didn't feel like she could be there so she left.  I went in with his son and my other cousin and we waited as they took him off both BP meds and then the respirator.  Somewhere in there my other uncle came in to be there as well.  The whole process took between 20 and 30 mins.  And when he went it was peaceful and quiet.  I caught myself smiling at him from time to time.  Thinking about how he looked like he was sleeping.  I remembered him being at our house some Saturdays.  Mom would fall asleep in the chair, snoring.  Uncle Jerry would follow suit beside me on the couch.  And that's really how he looked.  I was sad, but I felt an eerie sense of calm.  A calm that has lasted . . . for the most part.

We're looking at a funeral to be scheduled for the end of next week.  Hopefully not the 29th . . .

I can't believe he's gone.  My Uncle Jerry's gone.


(Be careful of the full-size of this pic.  I didn't realize how ginormous it really is.  You can click on it once.  But beware of clicking twice.  This is my dear Uncle Jerry and myself at my Aunt Joanie's house last Christmas.)

I guess it happened around 5:15 or so.  Maybe later than that.  Mom and I got a call from my Aunt Joanie telling us to get down to her house because "We may have lost Jerry."  My uncle Jerry has a history of heart problems.  Though he had been doing pretty well.  Paramedics were already working on him when we got there.  We kept yelling at him to fight.  To wake up.  But they couldn't get a pulse.  After some time, they finally did, and moved him to Mt. Diablo.  They were able to keep his heart beating for about five minutes.  Once he got to the ER they got it going again. 

That's basically where it stands now.  He's up in ICU (or PCU or whatever it is).  His heart is the only thing that's working on it's own.  The rest is by machine.  It doesn't look good.  They were struggling to raise his blood pressure with medication.  And while it had went up a bit before we left, they're giving him sooo much medication to do it.  He's in a coma.  Even if he does wake up at this point, we're propbably looking at significant brain damage.  Because it took them so long to get him back.  Probably close to a half an hour.  No major damage would be an absolute miracle. 

Which I guess is his only chance right now.  A miracle.   I don't know if he's going to make it . . . I don't know what to do.  Growing up, I didn't have a father.  My grandfather (who passed away when I was young) and my uncles were the closest thing I had.  And Uncle Jerry is the most like my grandfather.  I just can't believe this is happening . . . 

If there's anyone on my f-list that prays, would you please think about him the next time you do?  It may help that miracle thing I mentioned earlier.  Sorry for dumping this on you guys.  I just didn't know what else to do. *cries*

I was tagged for this by inthegiggleloop. Despite the rules, I won't be tagging anyone in return. Whoever would like to do it is more than welcome to.

( Meme under the cut )

OH YEAH!  *happy dances*  OH YEAH!  *happy dances*  OH YEAH!  *happy dances*

I did it.  Finally.  In honor of Michael I finished my new layout.  *sighs*  I'm pretty pleased with it.  I hope it does him justice in some small way.  I'd like to thank lupisnoctis1286 who supported me with her enthusiasm, constructive criticism, and attempts at coding.  Thanks also to senatorsfan_ink for a conversation she had with me the other day.  It meant a lot.  And also for her offers of help with this project.

Clicky clicky to view the pretties!  And check my profile too.  I changed that as well.  ;)

noobianrose noobianrose noobianrose noobianrose 

And, to conclude, I give you a song.  From 2001's "Invincible" the lyrics and his voice in this song hit me particularly deeply when I heard it last night.  Especially the second verse.  It's kinda how I feel about his death.  How hard it's been since he "walked away" from this life (not willingly, I'm sure) and how, I don't want to let go.

Don't Walk Away

Don't walk away
See I just can't find the right thing to say
I tried but all my pain gets in the way
Tell me what I have to do so you'll stay
Should I get down on my knees and pray

And how can I stop losing you
How can I begin to say
When there's nothing left to do but walk away

I close my eyes
Just to try and see you smile one more time
But it's been so long now all I do is cry
Can't we find some love to take this away
'Cause the pain gets stronger every day

How can I begin again
How am I to understand
When there's nothing left to do but walk away

See now why
All my dreams been broken
I don't know where we're going
Everything we said and all we've done now
Don't let go, I don't want to walk away

Now why
All my dreams are broken
Don't know where we're going
Everything begins to set us free
Can't you see, I don't wanna walk away

If you go, I won't forget you
Can't you see that you will always be
Even though I had to let you go
There's nothing left to do
Don't walk away


To the MJ fans on my f-list:  I hope you all are doing okay.  *big hugs*

Another post about Michael . . . this time a meme snagged from xn0_angelxon the MJ fan community that I'm a member of.


( It's longer than I thought, so the meme's here under the cut. )


So as I said in the meme, I'm working on altering my LJ to pay further tribute to Michael.  I already got my mood theme up.  So that's a good start.  I'll make a header and try to alter the actual layout in the next week.  Hope I don't mess it up!  Lol.

The memorial ended about 45 mins ago. I have so many words, and yet none at all. It's all so fresh. After so many tears, I'm surprisingly calm. That may change though as the day progresses. But the service was beautiful. Simply beautiful. Seeing that gold casket, covered in red roses, brought into that stadium . . . oh God. It was so hard but, at the same time, felt stunningly appropriate.  And I cannot thank the Jackson family and the production company enough for putting it all on.  For allowing us all to share in our common grief and celebrate Michael.  Who was so dear to so many of us.  I'm so thankful. 


( Emotions and recollections of Michael's memorial. )

To remember Michael and his inherent sexiness (yes, I'm serious), and for my friends who agree and love these songs, I give them (and everyone else) two more vids. Both of these are from my fav MJ album: "Dangerous."  I know you may be skeptical, but I'd have the hose on standby just in case.  Lol.


I just thought these were worth a second look (or third or fourth or fifth).  You feel me Ring?



( There's something about you baby that makes me want to give it to you . . . )

Pretty sad day today. News of Farrah's passing in the morning, after her brave struggle with cancer. Went out with ma, got my car's oil changed and saw Transformers. Came home to news of Michael Jackson's death of an apparent cardiac arrest. Though the main cause is as yet still unkown. Despite everything that happened to him in the more recent past I think it's of the utmost importance that we not forget the music. That he used to inspire change as well as to entertain. At once deeply personal and at other times really fun. His language was truly universal. Here are some of my favs.


( VIDS!! Watch and feel the magic. ;-) )


Rest in peace, Michael.

I've started this post so many times, but always get daunted by how big it could get!  There's so much to say and it's really hard to put into words everything that happened.  But i'm going to try it anyway.  In case the length gets crazy, I've put it in a cut.  Special thanks to my cousin, Jolene for taking all the pictures.  Yes there are pictures under the cut!


Note written later: This post is EPIC people.  It is in competition with some of Liz's posts!  Lol.  Love you Liz!


Note written even later: OMG!  Why is the HTML screwy?!?  Why does my cut link come up three times?!?  BAH!!!  Oh well.  I don't have the patience to fix it.  Sorry guys!


( Commencement in the city by the bay (and party times after!) )( Commencement in the city by the bay (and a fab party after) )


And so, for the sake of the sanity of my F-list.  I'll stop typing.  It was a big day for me.  And there was so much to share.  I hope I didn't bore you too much!  OOH!  I almost forgot.  I checked my grade for the other class I was in (besides the hell that was preparation for the MA exam) and I couldn't believe it.  I got an A.  A  solid, fricken, A!!  Despite all the craziness surrounding my exam I managed to pull that off.  I was really quite proud of myself.


So that's it.  Happy summer everyone.  And special thanks to you, my dear f-list, for being such a constant source of comfort, kindness, and indelible inspiration.  It was a rough road, made easier by you.  I love you guys!</div>

BAH!! Stupid final exam! I'm having such a hard time doing it. This probably is because, technically, I've already completed my MA and I don't even need this class. I'd much rather stick around LJ and do all manner of fun, fangirl things. Like this.  Posting on my journal when I should be writing.  But it would be a real shame to flake out on the course. I've done really well in it thus far, despite worrying about my big exam. I just need to get in the right headspace. Maybe turn off my router so I can't go online.


But this is the problem with take-home finals! I hate them. I think I'd much rather make myself half-insane studying, go into class, take the test, and be done with it. Not to mention the fact that less is expected of you with an in-class final because they know you can't use your notes and things. Here she really does expect a complete argument for all questions and I'm sitting at home with the ability to procrastinate. I mean I'm not really worried about the test, it's no big deal work-wise (I don't think). I just really don't want to do it! Can I get my degree already!?!


In other news, kirk_uhura is doing really well.  Especially for a comm that hasn't been around that long, just a few days really.  I'm really encouraged by all the support and by all the different kinds of people joining up and posting (even multi-shippers, which I didn't really expect but am glad to see).  My friend and co-mod  lupisnoctis1286 set up a beautiful layout and was able to put the header I made on it.  And she also set up the profile page with the header she made.  She's amazing.  I can't believe we got this thing off the ground!  YAY!!


Oh!  And "Angles and Demons"??  I really liked it.  Thought they did a good job with the adaptation from the book.  There were some plot points that were removed, but I thought it worked.  And Ewan was wonderful.  Perfect really.  *sighs*

*squee* I looove Deanna! YAY! My favorite TNG character. *sighs*

Your results:
You are Deanna Troi

Deanna Troi 70% Jean-Luc Picard 65% Geordi LaForge 65% Chekov 60% Uhura 55% Beverly Crusher 50% James T. Kirk (Captain) 45% Mr. Scott 45% Data 44% Will Riker 40% Worf 30% Spock 22% Leonard McCoy (Bones) 20% An Expendable Character (Redshirt) 20% Mr. Sulu 5%

You are a caring and loving individual. You understand people's emotions and you are able to comfort and counsel them.

Click here to take the Star Trek Personality Test

So today was my last day of class. YAY!! We didn't stay too long. Just to fill out evaluations, talk a bit about the current and future trends of U.S. Foreign Relations, and get the final exam (a take-home one). It may be my last college course ever. Very strange. Then I delievered some "Thank You" notes to the professors who really helped me and supported me over these three years. All I have left is my final exam and then Commencement next Saturday (the 23rd).


Once we got home, we went out to lunch. My mother's friend wanted to pay for it to celebrate, which was really nice of her. [For those of you who are dying to know: We went to Claim Jumper and I had a Widow-Maker Burger with an Iced Tea]. Then something really wonderful happened. These two really nice ladies were sitting at the table next to us. As I was wearing my graduation cap and tassle, they asked me about my studies. They were very impressed, much to my humble embarassment, and I thought that was the end of it. Some time later, however, one of the ladies hands me $40!! And tells me that it's up to people like me (my generation getting good educations) to change the world and make it better. And that that was my job. I told her I couldn't accpet it, but she insisted. And, speaking as a (seriously) in-debt college student, there was no way in hell I was going to refuse her. But that's not all! Right after that we realized we hadn't received a check. It turns out that the other lady took it upon herself to pay our entire bill (including the massive piece of chocolate cake that mom and Crystal had gotten me). I couldn't believe it. It was so kind and I was so very overwhelmed. I got one of their addresses so I figured I'd send them a thank you note. Not much, but I really don't know how to repay that kindness. The only thing I felt bad about was that Crystal really wanted to do that for me, it kind of stole her thunder. She said she'd take me out later.


For a final bit of news, lupisnoctis1286and myself have started a new community on LiveJournal. In honor of the new Star Trek movie and one of my favorite pairings from the Original Series, we humbly submit to you . . .


This is probably the header we'll be going with.  Unless we can figure out, with relative ease, how to cycle a couple.  Which would be cool.  We'll see what happens.  I encourage anyone who wants to to join and contribute though.  It should be a lot of fun.  Click the picture to check it out! . . . hopefully I got the link right.  Lol

So this post has two purposes.  The first is to let you all know the results of my exam.  The second is to give you all my interpretation of the new Star Trek movie (spoiler warnings).  I actually had to re-write this entire post from scratch, because I got kicked off the internet.  Stupid computer!!  Anyway, dear f-list, on to the goodies . . .


1. I PASSED!!!  YAY!!!  I DID IT!!  I got my phone call from Professor Elkind (Graduate Coordinator and member of my committee) last week.  She told me that my committee thought my exam was "very strong."  Now what that means in "professor-speak" is anyone's guess.  And when I tried to ask my committee chair about the details of my grade he told me no.  Lol.  Oh well.  And, as this is a pretty major achievement, I've decided to go to Commencement after all.  I wasn't planning on it, but I would really hate to miss it and then regret it later.  I mean I know that the school has put me through hell, but not to go would kinda be like accepting defeat maybe.


( 2. These are the [first] voyages of the Starship Enterprise . . . (review) )